Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

I'm finally done my undergraduate degree. I'm done. Officially. I want to celebrate... but the only person I want to celebrate w/ is the one who is trying to forget me. Funny how things work. Sometimes u want to hold onto the past, those last memories that u had together w/ that special someone but u realize that it's all in vain cuz that's not the way ur life is playing out. That's not the path u chose. I don't know (but I do) if these tears I shed are b/c I'm sad to leave all my memories of my happiest years behind or if I'm actually sad because I'm no longer a student. I know one thing is for sure. When I leave this place I'm moving on w/ no regrets. I want to leave knowing that I've done everything that I could and that all the arrows in my past point to this path that I'm treading. I don't want to look back. Sometimes... some things should just b left the way they were. Sometimes, some things u cannot bring w/ u. I've learned many things in three years, and everytime I remember where certain habits originated and where life lessons were learned, I will remember u.

But I'm saying goodbye... One goodbye for every year... and a million goodbyes to my million memories.

Life lesson: Learn to be on ur own & learn to love what u chose.

Remembering as it was...

"Be Without You" ~ Mary J. Blige

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can’t see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It’s so true that (yes)
We’ve been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby)
Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin’ behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I’ll be faithful (yes)
I’m for real (yes)
And with us you’ll always know the deal
We’ve been...

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby)
Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby

See this is real talk
I’m always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you’re down on love or don’t believe
This ain’t for you (no, this ain’t for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it’s true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she’s the one (fellas tell your lady she’s the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We’ve been...

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby)
Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

At peace w/ myself

This morning was different. I woke up feeling freed; like I had less worries and less weight on my heart than I've felt for the past month. This feeling is so weird... I don't remember the last time I felt so free. I hope it's not a short-lived feeling!

I'm watching Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring (part 2 of the extended version) for the 3rd time... consecutively. I like to study w/ it on for some reason. lol!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone. I can't wait till I'm done. Monday, 9:30. Better kick some a$$.

TOO GORGEOUS out to study!

It is beautiful in Waterloo today. Makes u feel a lot better :) things have been ok. I'm "studying" right now for my last exam. Everyone is moving away this weekend and it's sad to see them go. I'm going to b bored next week after Monday 9:30... MY LAST UNDERGRAD EXAM! I can't wait. I hope I do well on this one. Marks have been posted up already- it's that quick this year! Can't wait to move home and settle down... and think about what I want to do for the rest of my life :D I can't believe I sound excited about this! lol!

I now understand why ex's can't b friends. Everything just hurts more. Everything. I don't get y I'm hurting more now than I was before. I'm not happy if I talk to him, I'm not happy if I don't talk to him. I'm suddenly the one that holds him in a higher esteem than he's holding me in. This person I'm talking to now is totally different from the one I dated. I guess that's what happens when u're just a friend. He's moving on sooo quickly... and I'm just stuck in a rut.

Memories haunt me... and I just want to LEAVE this town and never come back. EVER. EVER. EVER. I don't want to feel anymore.

If u're reading this, just know that if you want to talk to me, you can msg me. And if you are seeing/talking to anyone right now, do not talk to me... Thurs nite & that phone call the other nite hurt me more than you know. You have my best wishes... goodbye.

I'm miserable and he's doing awesome... this kills. I need massive drugs to numb my heart.

Back in the Loo!

My room looks pretty empty! I never knew there was so much stuff rammed in it till I started shipping stuff home w/ the 'rents every other weekend since Jan! I have bare necessities for my last 14 days at Laurier as an undergrad. I'm semi-excited. Also semi-unsure of what I'm doing, but hey, at least I'm moving home. I know I want to be there, and tho the fam can get really annoying, they're fam... that's what they're supposed to b.

I was home this weekend, and it was pretty ok! I got uptown around 11am Fri and my 'rents came to pick me up. We went to have tea @ a Chinese Restaurant over at Times Square, and it where we had $2 dim sum! Everything was OK... except the shrimp balls. The flour that wrapped around them tasted really really really bad. We went home after, and I unpacked a lot of the stuff I sent home earlier. My room was a gigantic mess, but meh. After my home cooked dinner, I went over to Lauren's w/ Jess & Eric. Lauren has a gorgeous new 2-door Honda Civic... she was so pretty! We hung out and just "watched" some tv and chatted. No egg painting- Julia forgot to get the paint :( Sat my 'rents and I woke up pretty early and went to the Orchid show! Cars were lined up on the road, and it was sooo busy, but at least there was no line to GET into the door. The flowers were gorgeous, and I saw these gigantic-normous orchids! They weren't "flowers", per say... they were like bushes/mini trees that had flowers! They must've been at least 20 years old... unless they were given steroids! :S I totally regretted not bringing a camera like all the other years, but I didn't expect it to look this much better this year! They also had a room of orchid sales, and my mom got the greatest deal ever! We got a gigantic orchid that was in FULL BLOOM! It was cheaper than u'd ever expect it to be... and once we bought it, this lady came over and said to the seller in this shrill chinese voice: "you sold it???! U know I was turning around to buy it from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (I later watched chinese tv and saw her talking on the television w/ a much lesser plant) We also bought this other one that's really cute looking- it's supposed to bloom in May! We walked out w/ our gigantic plant (everyone looked at our plant w/ google eyes) and we went to Scarborough Town Centre. I bought some nice clothes, got some sunglasses and then we got a pair of Orange-eared finches! They're adorable :) They're jittery shy birds, but they're starting to sing now after a nite at our place.

This morning we went to T&T, got some food and went to visit my sister. After that we came to Loo and I packed my van w/ my stuff. Went to see my brother and then my 'rents left for home :) All-and-all, a good weekend :)

So yeah! I had 2 finance exams on the 10th and then the 12th. Wow. The first one I came out thinking that even if I did study, it really didn't matter cuz half my exam was blank. Or had a formula that I had from my cheat sheet, and that was about it. No numbers plugged in- cuz *shrugs*... what number is what variable???? I felt so bad about it afterwards... and then the one on the 12th- well it wasn't too bad. I had time to figure out answers that I knew were wrong. But there was a .5 penalty for each wrong T/F question. Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today I'm taking my day off. I've been studying for prolly 10 days (tho it won't show in my marks). I want to go to the gym, then head to the mall... wings @ nite w/ my friend Lilly :) I really hope I get something at the mall. I need to buy some jeans. Tho I think I might want to wait till I'm home cuz ... I have so much stuff here! I was packing some away so my mom and dad could pick it up when they drop me off this weekend back to Waterloo. I sent like 4 bags of stuff home already, but I still have all the furniture & the clothes, the plants, the turtle tank... :S

I'm really excited about this weekend tho. I'll b in Toronto Fri morning & spending the day w/ the 'rents. Possibly... shopping? :D @ nite I'm painting Easter eggs w/ Jess & Lali! Sat I'm going to the Orchid show that my mom and I have gone to for the past 4 years. My $10 orchid from last year still hasnt' bloomed :( but maybe I'll get another one :D I love plants. Such a nerd. lol. Alritey, I'm off to b a bum for the day !!!

Happy Passover to my friends from home :) And Happy Easter to others :)

Procrastination at it's best!

I am ... not studying all that well, just thought I'd share it w/ the world! I feel almost like I know stuff but I really don't, so I'm going to get back to it and force myself to pay attention to what's happenin' :)

Hope everyone is well, and for those who have not blogged for a long time... BLOG! I need something to read while I'm procrastinating. :P

Lilo and Stitch was awesome today... thank you for keeping me company.

I don't know if u are ready yet. I hope that if you are not, you will choose what is right for you and not take up invitations if they only hurt you more. I enjoy your company... but only if you are ready. Our talks today about what you were doing, and where you were planning on moving oddly made me feel better :)

I hung on till I couldn't any longer...

Would one more day... one more touch or one more look have made a difference?

... if I could go back I would've hung on a second longer...

Just let it die
With no goodbyes
Details don't matter
We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby
Yea.......

[Bridge 1]
Now everytime I see you
I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about

[Chorus]
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and
I can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us

[Verse 2]
Oh they say
That you're in a new relationship
But we both know
Nothing comes close to
What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it
How good we used to get it

[Bridge 2]
There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter what you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret
So don't forget about...

This weekend started off w/... a puke! LOL... Thurs nite was Fed nite w/ Nat and b/c she was taking so long I just decided to start w/out her at my place. I went over there half hammered and then finished my drink before her friend came to pick us up. There was no line, so it was awesome... but we left really early cuz Nat's friend got arrested :O Long story, but anyway, I just finished my last drink (I had very very many) and Nat came around saying she had to leave. So I left w/ her obviously and then went to her house. Her toilet was my best friend for a while... and then she drove me home. I LOVE NAT. Not just cuz she took care of me, but b/c she's a really great friend.

The next morning I got up in time for the bus but I felt... really bad. So b4 I left for the bus I was friends w/ my toilet and then headed home to see Momo! He came to Toronto again, and I was sooo happy to see him. Sam got woken up by her 2 favourite ppl (Momo & I) and I saw her on webcam. That sleepy head was sooooo cute... :) I then took Momo to the Pickle Barrel, Grand- it was really nice (I wish I brought my camera). We went walking around Eaton's Centre and bought a present for his friend Sandy... it was her birthday! :D I picked out this shirt that I really liked for her and I got one too. It's beigey/white and it says in gold: "I love men"... but the "n" is crossed out. It's great! :D

I had to say goodbye around 1:30 tho :( and went back uptown. The whole fam was home so it was wicked! We had a great family dinner. Just such great food cooked by my own Iron Chef Mom! I was sooo tired at the end of the nite (seeing that I only slept for 3 hours the nite before) and passed out in the living room after playing a fishy game w/ my mom, dad & brother. I really sucked at it. The fish kept on spinning around and sometimes u couldnt' fish them cuz they didn't close their mouths ever... *sighs*. Overall, I was just dizzy!

The next day I saw Matt for sushi. I missed it SO! We sat there for 3 hours, chatted and then I went home to go shopping w/ my mom and sister. We went to Markville and found a nice spring jacket for my sister (I picked it out, thankyouverymuch!). I wanted sunglasses but couldn't find ones that I was comfy w/. I want the thick rimmed ones this year. Went to Home Depot to meet my bro and dad. My dad wants to change the patio doors so we had to go and get the doors. (he's installing them himself... o_o)

Had dinner @ a GREAT chinese restaurant by Apple Creek and Woodbine afterwards... It was sooooo GOOD I don't think I've had such good Chinese food that was not cooked by my mom for a LONG time. After we got home I left to go play pool w/ the boys. Matt, Ryan & Walid were out that nite and it was great! I suck at pool (apparently we're all rusty) so it was fun! Ended up @ Congee Wong.. lol lol. These boys know what good food is!

Today was good too. Got back to KW at a decent time, had time to do the practice for the dance I was performing in my hip hop class. Nat and I went thru it a couple times @ her place and then I ran home for food. The dance rehearsal started at 7, and the real thing was at 8. The place was JAM PACKED. Todd, my brother, Cindy, her friend & Nat's friends were all there... They said it looked good, and I felt ok since I was hiding behind everyone hahahaha! My brother was impressed. He's like, WHAT? she learned a routine??? lol lol!!! Overall tho, the show was amazing. The instructors did a dance @ the end and they were just all SO good. The advanced hip hop class was amazing too. WE totally got schooled by them, but at least I was in the beginner's one and I tried! :D

Going to go and procrastinate... and think about studying. LOL! Hope u all had a great weekend urself.